Friday 17 July 2015

Chopper Hayward


Some blogs ago I wrote about how I’d compiled a ‘bucket list’ of sorts, although I’d not called it that for fear of jinxing my existence and hastening my inevitable demise. Looking through the list of 21 items I’d accumulated (so far) I realise that I’d only achieved one and a half of them. The one I did complete and have repeated several times since is to drink Sloe Gin. Let’s face it, that wasn’t too difficult to accomplish but who said they had to be? It was a very pleasant experience so a big tick on the list there.

The half achievement was in relation to visiting Edinburgh. Technically I have spent time in Edinburgh but mostly changing trains at Waverley station. I say mostly, there was a hectic taxi journey against time down Princes Street one day but I was too busy watching the clock to take in the sights and sounds of the Scottish capital, but that’s another story. After careful consideration I don’t feel that I’ve fully met the criteria of visiting Edinburgh so that’s still resolutely unticked.

However, this weekend I should get the opportunity to give a great big tick to a more challenging item on the list, and that is to fly in a helicopter. I say ‘should’ as there is a slight area of doubt in my mind. It’s not directly to do with the thought of plummeting out of the sky like a rock falling to earth but that also weighs heavy on my mind.

You see, helicopters like all flying transportation have a weight limit. It’s not that relevant when we’re jetting off to Torremelinos on our holidays as we fly on great big planes so no-one mentions it and no flight attendant is stood at the airport guiding hapless holidaymakers onto a set of bathroom scales prior to boarding. However, with a small helicopter carrying a handful of passengers it creates an issue if one occupant has eaten far too many of their fair share of pies and other assorted savoury pastries.

I was well aware of the weight limit of 16 stone when I booked this excursion and I can quite confidently say that I am below that weight……by a few pounds. Actually, whilst wearing nothing apart from a smile I am well under, but with the addition of the obligatory clothes and footwear the weight starts creeping on and I find myself edging ever closer to that limit.

Logic dictates that I should have nothing to worry about as I’m irrefutably under the limit as of right now but the panicky side of my brain is just worried that I’m a mere sausage roll away from being declared too fat to fly.

With that in mind I have reduced my calorie intake this week so that I may become airborne. Water, vegetables and certain fruit have become my friends; all types of carbohydrates my mortal enemy. I had a complete eye opener yesterday when I established the calories in just one slice of seeded bread (130 if you’re interested, so two Bertolli-moistened slices embracing some ham would have taken me somewhere near 400 calories). Next week I won’t care a jot about any of this but, for now, I am determined to remain well under 16 stone come hell or high water.

Failing that I may have to paint clothes on me, although that may be dangerous what with all those sharp blades twirling around. Either that or I’ll just have to ensure that my bowels are working to maximum efficiency on the day. That should lighten me up a bit. I’m told that all I need to consume is a couple of Avocadoes and several boxes of Tic Tacs and the job’s a good ‘un.


Heaven help the other passengers though. Things could get messy.