I know, I know, I’ve been quiet for a while but I’ve had issues. Not earth shattering life altering issues but technological ones that made me make strange noises like “grrrrr” and “fnarrrrg”. Combine that with my ever melting brain and you’ll be glad you haven’t heard from me in a while.
I’ve got to have a life though. In fact I have one on order from Play.com but it’s not shown up yet. All I’ve received so far is a couple of t-shirts that read “I Love Clunge” AND “I’ve had it up to here with midgets”. Seriously, these t-shirts randomly turned up in the post one morning. I thought that someone had broken into my account and were using my bank details to order comedy clothing but it turned out to be a belated birthday gift from wife-in-waiting. Bless her.
I’m not quite sure when I will get the opportunity to wear the “I Love Clunge” t-shirt. Maybe at a family do or a church fete. As for the midget t-shirt, I’d better not wear that at a party that Warwick Davies is likely to attend. You don't want to offend an Ewok, they're tricky blighters. You may of course think that I’m not likely to be at the same party as Warwick Davies but strangely that has happened. I was as surprised as you if I'm honest. He seemed like a nice bloke, cute kids.
Anyway, I have a resolution to write less but post more frequently. I’m not sure if this will happen in reality but it’s a nice plan. I’ll see how it pans out.
In the meantime I’ll spark up my brain to prevent it from freefalling at dizzying speeds. Well I’m not getting any younger, something that has been preying on my mind of late. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat realising that I’m at least half way through my life. Then I rationalise that there’s nothing I can do about it and before long I’m back in one of my action adventure dreams where I’m saving people from a disaster and running away from bad looking men with guns. Sometimes they’re aliens, sometimes they’re terrorists, and sometimes they just don’t like my tie. My brain likes to give me a bit of a workout in the wee small hours.
Often my dreams involve a plane crash. I’m not always in the plane but thankfully on each occasion it all works out well as a result of my intervention. I feel that this is thanks to the fact that I enjoy watching ‘Air Crash Investigation’ on National Geographic.
I’m not a confident flyer at the best of times. I’m well aware that the big metal tube that catapults me to my destination is only able to take off and land safely due to quite a lot of complicated technical factors and that disaster could strike at any moment. However I’ve figured that if I watch ‘Air Crash Investigation’ I can pick up a few tips so that I can go and take over from the pilot should he pass out at the controls. I can go and press buttons and pull levers and shout “more thrust” or “nose up” or even “brace for impact”.
Those last words are not ones you’d want to hear are they? Especially if you’re heading towards the sea. I’ve seen enough episodes now to know that a landing on terra firma is a better option than landing at sea despite what those little safety cards say. Aside from that amazing landing in the Hudson River a couple of years back most landings in the drink end up with the plane shattering into a million tiny bits.
Oh, and don’t be taken in by turbulence. That covers all manner of sins. To be fair, in most cases it will just be turbulence but it could be a bird strike or even ice dislodging itself from the wings and smashing up the engines. It could be instrument failure or volcanic ash but either way I now consider myself to be an expert in such matters. In the event of an aerial catastrophe I can now leap into action rather than cowering down the back of the plane drinking the trolley dry of miniatures.
You see, one advantage of being a bit older and embarking on a mid-life crisis is that I’ve started to fancy myself as a bit of a daredevil. If I had a few quid I’d have a crack at learning to fly properly. As I don’t have a few quid I’ll just wait for the aforementioned looming disaster to try my hand.
Now if I had more than a few quid I would be definitely putting my name down for one of those commercial space flights that are likely to start up in a few years’ time. How cool would that be, blasting off to the stars and drifting weightlessly around high above the Earth? Should there be a disaster I can leap to the rescue. Especially if there are aliens involved, I’m good with aliens.
In reality of course, if you’re ever on a flight with me and the whole damned plane starts to spiral down into a nosedive, hold me back. I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t listen properly so when the brave air traffic controller is giving me clear instructions to guide me down I’ll suddenly and inexplicably pull the lever that allows the wings to drop off.
Then where will we be?
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