Spider/Man

I don’t like spiders. I don’t know whether it’s their sneaky behaviour what with all their weird web making shenanigans or whether it’s just the look of them. I’m not hugely enthusiastic about most bugs but I can accept that the spider has a place in the general food chain and helps to tackle the menace of flies.

I would be happier however if the spider population would keep themselves to themselves. There are clear boundaries as far as I’m concerned and any rebellious arachnid spotted in our house is duly apprehended and escorted from the premises. This arrangement has been working well and I’m guessing that news has got around that all spiders are persona non grata at Hayward Towers as less and less of the eight legged devils have been bothering us.

Mind you I did have a bit of a stand-off with a particularly large brute a few years ago who gave me no option but to use maximum force.  He pushed his luck though. After a lengthy pursuit around the lounge I finally got him cornered, just behind the sofa. At this point the sensible thing for him to do would have been to back off and allow me to show him to the door. However instead of capitulating he took a run at me. 

Startled by this turn of events I did what any red blooded male would do and dived out of the way with a girly shriek. The spider, not believing his luck, made for the safe haven of behind a radiator. The only option was to inflict the ultimate punishment for trying to make me look foolish in front of the present Mrs Hayward. The vacuum cleaner was unleashed and this mighty foe was sucked up to spider heaven. 

Our latest visitor arrived just last week, in the shape of a small beige coloured spider who was trying to blend in with our bedside table. He failed in this chameleon-like activity but had the good sense to make a move before I could point out that he was trespassing. Since then he has hung around the bedroom in a hard to reach place, in the corner of the ceiling above the bedside table, and so we have reluctantly shared this communal space. 

Last night I woke up at 4am with a tickly cough. I spluttered a little and put it down to a dry throat. It tickled again and I coughed. This wasn’t going away and after a few hearty coughs I sat up and reached for the glass of water beside the bed. As the water washed down I could feel something tickly washing down with it. Had I swallowed a hair? No, that feels different. I gulped down all of the water until I felt the tickle reach my stomach which started to gurgle in eager anticipation of this early morsel.

While I was sat there, listening to the birds twittering outside and watching the first glimpse of early morning light creep through a gap in the curtains, I remembered a statistic I’d heard. The average person swallows four spiders per year whilst they are asleep. I had taken this to be an urban myth. I mean seriously, how could that happen? If that happened to me I would wake up, probably coughing and with a weird tickling feeling in the throat……oh.

I flicked the bedside light on and looked up to the corner. My squatter had vanished. He’d been there all week and now he’d gone.

I can only assume he clambered down to investigate where the loud snoring was coming from and had tracked the source of the offending noise to my open mouth and rattling vocal chords. Unfortunately this curiosity was his first and last mistake. They say curiosity killed the cat, but you can now also apply this to spiders. 

On the bright side his death may serve as a warning for other daring beasties. The giant two legged creature that lives there eats spiders. Stay away. I do hope so.