Every Breath You Take

You know, it all started as a bit of banter and now I think it’s got a little bit out of hand. I shall explain.

There are these guys down my local gym. They’re two of the individuals I referred to in my previous post. They seem to live in the weights area as I rarely see them anywhere else, and their hard work shows. Their upper body muscles are impressive. They obviously put in a lot of work and are now very good at, well, lifting things.

Their overall physique is, however, questionable as both are a little portly around the midriff. Not that I can really cast any stones in that area. I sympathise wholeheartedly with this curse of the middle aged man.

They also boast a large and colourful collection of ink on their body but one, let’s call him Jeff (I don’t know his real name, I hope for the sake of anonymity he’s not called Jeff), also sports an interesting haircut.

I liken it to a toilet brush as it kind of sits on the top of his head and sticks up. It’s like he went to the barbers, asked for a very close crop all over, not even a grade one, perhaps a grade quarter if there is such a thing, but it went wrong when the clippers broke before the barber could get to the top of his head so Jeff just left the tufts of hair on top, so that it now resembles an amusing looking hat.

Fair play to Jeff, it’s a bold haircut but it doesn’t suit him, or anyone for that matter. What this distinctive barnet has done though is make him recognisable.

So when I mentioned to friends about Jeff and his mate (let’s call him Arthur) one of them realised she had seen him when she was on the school run. She noted how she had been drawn towards his unusual look and had made some bad eye contact. Jeff however didn’t seem to mind at being stared at, and I pointed out that he probably just thought she was admiring his mighty biceps.

Jeff and Arthur are the ones who make the most noise when exercising as they lift almighty weights that they can barely manage. When they are in the building everyone knows about it. So, just for a wheeze, I decided to record Jeff & Arthur’s cacophonous grunting on my phone, just to illustrate my point to friends when they came up in conversation in the future.

I’d really like to share it with you but it would probably be highly illegal to do so. Just ask me and I’ll play it to you some time.

So, that was that, until yesterday, when my friend sent me an email. She and her husband had come to an astonishing discovery – Jeff was one of their neighbours. So as to prove it they had taken a covert photo of him from an upstairs window.

Again, it would probably be highly illegal to post that photo here so I’ve recreated it for you…….

I realised at this point that, to my horror, I think we are now both officially stalking Jeff. Hopefully he is blissfully unaware of this as, should he find out, he could probably rearrange my face into a more unconventional pattern. Mind you I think I have a good chance of out-running him, unless he’s actually The Terminator.

So, in the style of Simon Mayo’s Confessions, I apologise to Jeff & Arthur, but more so to Jeff.

Due to my idle chit chat he now has a growing legion of stalkers. He’s being stared at by mums taking their kids to school, he can’t have a session at the gym without some freak hovering nearby with a microphone, and now he can’t even have a relaxing sit down in his own garden without seeing, out of the corner of his eye, the glint of a paparazzi’s camera lens from behind a hedge.

I hope he can forgive me but above all I hope he doesn’t, by some weird quirk of fate, stumble upon this blog as the consequences may well be a little painful.

Sorry Jeff.