Screen Test

If I was a responsible motorist I would know exactly what was happening underneath the bonnet of our car at any given time. I don’t mean I would necessarily know the precise workings of the internal combustion engine, but I’d know the basics, like the oil and water levels and, well, notice if everything wasn’t exactly tickety-boo.

Things do not improve beyond the bonnet either. I’m vaguely aware of tyre pressures but I’d really only notice if the tyre was flat at the point that I’m frantically revving and the car is dragging itself along the road on its rims. I occasionally give one of the tyres a kick if I have doubts about it, just like I saw grown men do when I was a kid but I frankly have no idea what I’m looking for. Perhaps they didn’t either, perhaps this is one massive blag by men since time immemorial.

I do sort of envy those who keep their car sparkling clean without resorting to the economy wash at the Morrisons petrol station, and those who have a glove compartment full of useful things like maps and travel sweets and chamois leathers, rather than rammed full of the present Mrs Hayward’s CDs. If you’re a fan of poor quality cheesy music it’s a treasure trove. If not, then like me you are trapped in a motorised equivalent of the worst nightclub in the world. There’s not even a bar to speak of although I’m working on it.

However the basic thing I can do is manage the screen wash. I know what screen wash is and I know where to put it. The problem is, due to a total lack of organisation, I never know how much is in there at any given time. Consequently it always runs out at totally inconvenient moments. Yesterday morning was a case in point. It ran out on the way to work. 

I am organised in that I have a bottle in the boot but this doesn’t help when a dirty and unnecessary lorry chugging up the A15 passes by and douses the car in muddy water and I then find out I can do nothing to clean the windscreen as the screen wash has run out. Compounded to this the windscreen wipers are also unaware of this change of circumstances and they just merrily wipe the mud more broadly across the windscreen just in case they were worried that I actually might have some sort of visibility.

So there I was, in a layby, on a cold and wet Wednesday morning, pouring a glut of screen wash into the car. This led me to think there’s an obvious design flaw here. There should be a little light on the dashboard to tell me when the screen wash is nearly empty. Then I could, at my leisure, sort it out, like I do with petrol. There could even be a little watery fanfare if necessary. 

Surely the technical bods at our leading car manufacturers could run to that, after all they don’t want me to end up in a ditch do they? That wouldn’t be a good advert for their cars at all. 

I think I’m going to work on this idea......what? I don't need to. Some cars already have this feature? D'oh! Back to the drawing board.