Genius

I have finally realised what my ideal job would be after many years of trying different ones including a spell as a dinner lady, which was good for a free meal at the end of the shift, and as a regular in police line ups (I was the one that hadn’t done it) which was easy money really. The rozzers rang me one Friday evening and asked if I could grow a beard by Monday. I’d just shaved but said “yes, no problem”. Hell, you got £20 just for showing up. 

What I should be doing (apart from what I do now of course – “Hello” to anyone from work!!) is to be shut in a room on my own staring into space. I’m serious, because in between the long periods of time when nothing appears to be happening I will suddenly get an amazing, life changing idea that will make my employers richer than Avarice. As I am also an altruistic person by nature, which has now been scientifically proven, I share my ideas so that people with a bit of commercial nous can go and take my idea and develop it into a money making reality. All I ask for is a bit of cash from the profits so that I can go and get myself the occasional pint and a packet of salted peanuts.

Today I had two, yes two, amazing money making ideas which I am happy to share with you. Prepare yourselves, this could tear up all your preconceptions about society and change the world. Your life will never be the same again. Ready? OK, then I will begin.

Let me give you three words – Drive Thru Chippie. No? Bear with me.

I was driving down the A14 this morning and my journey took me past an abandoned pub called the Trinity Foot, which in itself is a great name. I intend to poach the name ‘Trinity Foot’ and use that as my pen name if I ever start writing crime novels.

As sad a sight as this once former public house is I could see why it wasn’t going to succeed selling intoxicating liquor next to a busy A-road and nowhere near any conurbations. While I was thinking about what else this unassuming building could transform itself in to, it came to me. A Drive Thru Fish n’ Chip Shop.

It stands to reason and I can’t believe that no-one’s thought of it before. Simple, quick, and popular fayre, by the side of the road. I know that Harry Ramsden has spread his empire out a little but he’s not yet tried to take on the big boys of drive thru, like McDonalds and KFC. Of course my new venture needs a memorable name, ‘Chips Ahoy’ being my favourite, with a large, bright sign drawing in weary, hungry travellers.

As I travelled on I saw disused ‘Little Chef’ sites, more prime locations for your favourite fish n’ chip drive thru experience. ‘Chips Ahoy’ can even break out into the breakfast market with proper bacon butties, not that fake stuff you get in McDonalds (a flat sausage – that’s witchcraft I tell you). Drinks would have to come in canned and bottled form, as you would expect, and include the favourites like Coke and Lemonade but also more left field beverages like Cream Soda and Dandelion & Burdock.

I’m telling you now, this is a guaranteed copper bottomed winner, and you’re welcome to it. All yours. Go and make some cash but don’t forget who gave you the idea. I’ll accept a free meal as payment.

You’d think that was enough and my work was done for the day but no, it doesn’t stop there. Second brilliant idea of the day came when it occurred to me that the Royal Family don’t do what all celebrities do. They don’t write autobiographies. Well, Edward VIII did but he’d gone rogue by that point.

Now I’m unaware of any law banning Royal Autobiographies so maybe they’ve just never been asked. So there we have it. ‘The Queen: In Her Own Words’, or ‘Reigning in my Heart’, or ‘Elizabeth II, Rest of the World 0’. something like that.

Imagine the stories she has to tell. Seriously, if Kerry Katona can knock out an autobiography about her pointless existence then so can Her Majesty, and it’ll have more interesting stories in it to boot, although probably not so many about drug binges, winning ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ or quitting ‘Atomic Kitten’ before they got famous.

That aside, can you imagine what a best seller Liz’s book would be? Absolutely hugely massive, another guaranteed money-spinner. Now, I don’t have a publishing company at the present time and, in any case, given my comments about the Windsors in my last post I suspect I’m not the person to approach her until she’s cooled her jets a little, but I’ll happily take 10% of the profits, as I came up with the idea.

So there you go, give me a room and a pad of paper and I will make you millions. Any takers? Lord Sugar? Peter Jones? Duncan Bannatyne? Anyone….?